This is brilliant.... 'nough said!
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
31 May 2011
12 May 2011
5 May 2011
21 Apr 2011
Blood Nuisance
Terror threat (a.k.a. Bloody nuisance)
By John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate". Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Royal Wedding in the Internet Age
Sorry but if you have any sense of whimsy about you, you simply have to love Royal Weddings in this new techno cyber age.
Picture says it all. I am still guffawing. Rule Britannia!
Picture says it all. I am still guffawing. Rule Britannia!
4 Jan 2010
One TV Show I Love
Glee! OMG it is hilarious and I absolutely adore it. The pilot was aired before Christmas and I have caught episodes 2 and 3 on the internet. I cannot WAIT for this show to come to England properly.
10 Aug 2009
Lovelorn ram snagged on live wire
My Aunt (from back home) sent me this link from an Australian newspaper:
A lovelorn ram has caught his horn on an electricity cable and "abseiled" down a hill while trying to reach a field of ewes.
The sheep accidentally slid down the live wire before coming to a rest against a telegraph pole in the small coastal town of Helgoysund, Norway, on Thursday.
The hapless ram was spotted bleating for help as it dangled five metres above the ground.
Tourists at the scene managed to pull the sheep back to ground, unharmed, in little over an hour — and as a reward released it to graze with the ewes it was spying on.
A lovelorn ram has caught his horn on an electricity cable and "abseiled" down a hill while trying to reach a field of ewes.The sheep accidentally slid down the live wire before coming to a rest against a telegraph pole in the small coastal town of Helgoysund, Norway, on Thursday.
The hapless ram was spotted bleating for help as it dangled five metres above the ground.
Tourists at the scene managed to pull the sheep back to ground, unharmed, in little over an hour — and as a reward released it to graze with the ewes it was spying on.
6 Apr 2009
I knew it all along!
Click on picture to enlarge..... Cat owners everywhere will get a laugh out of this!
3 Feb 2009
The funniest thing ... EVER
My friend Marleen lent me her copy of "The Vicar of Dibley: Holy Wholly Happy Ending" on DVD as we're both big fans of the scrumptious Richard Armitage.So I thought since I was going to go on the treadmill that I would put it on and watch it at the same time. BIG MISTAKE. HUUUUUGE MISTAKE.
I nearly fell off (from laughing) not once, not twice .... but THREE TIMES. This is bar none, the funniest thing I have ever seen. I squealed with laughter and am definitely going to buy myself a copy to keep.
23 Jan 2009
12 Jan 2009
Credit Crunch
The news isn't good! It just seems more and more businesses are being closed down and people are losing their jobs. My bosses just had a meeting with me and my job is also on the line. I hope this Credit Crunch / Recession passes quickly and with minimum damage to everyone I love.
(1).jpg)
6 Jan 2009
Happy New Year from Calvin!
This is just priceless! I absolutely LOVE Calvin & Hobbes!
( Click on image for it to appear larger).
25 Nov 2008
Cute Video - Cat stuck in a Box!
This is so cute! I LOVE the cat's back legs. Makes me smile every time he/she skids across the floor into the box....
13 Nov 2008
11 Nov 2008
23 Oct 2008
16 Oct 2008
Important Medical Advice
I have a friend who works in the Health Profession and felt obligated to share this recently released information:
*Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
*Do you suffer from shyness?
*Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Attraction to the same sex
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
*Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
*Do you suffer from shyness?
*Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.
Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.
You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include:
- Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration
- Erotic lustfulness
- Loss of motor control
- Loss of clothing
- Loss of money
- Loss of virginity
- Attraction to the same sex
- Table dancing
- Headache
- Dehydration
- Dry mouth
- And a desire to sing Karaoke
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
1 Jul 2008
21 Lines to Make You SMILE!
TWENTY ONE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
15. Procrastinate Now!
16. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
17. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
18. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
19. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
20. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
21. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
8. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
9. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
10. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
11. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
13. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
14. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
15. Procrastinate Now!
16. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
17. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
18. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
19. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
20. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
21. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
26 Jun 2008
20 Jun 2008
Rules for Living ...
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION:
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER :'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'
Finally, here's some advice for you: Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.. don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain . Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO!!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOW what a ride!'
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day
BREAKFAST
1 Grapefruit
1 slice wholemeal toast
1 cup skimmed milk
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the biscuits from the packet
1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 chocolate bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
REMEMBER :'stressed' spelled backwards is 'desserts'
Finally, here's some advice for you: Dr. Neil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.......So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonay , a bole of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of biscuits , the mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke, some saltins an a bax a cholates..
Yu haf no idr who gud I fel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)